I didn't know pants had gone out of style.

Apparently, sometime between Monday and today, pants have become optional for women in this city - skirts too, for that matter. Really, anything that covers up the body from the waist down with the exception of a leotard has become a "maybe" instead of a definite.

In the past week, I've seen two women walking around with what could essentially be described as leggings and underwear. I don't understand - aren't they cold? Don't they realize that the word "leotard" has the "tard" in it for a reason? I've tried to capture images on my camera phone, but they never turn out. I'll try harder next time.

The conclusion: Either there has been a rapid influx of New York City women enrolled in dance classes since the new year started, or the sale of mirrors in the tri-state area has fallen drastically.

P.S. To all the Brits out there that read this blog, some clarification: When I say "pants," I mean "trousers." I know how you people work with your "pants" and the horrible meaning the phrase "fanny pack" takes on when you say it. Speaking of fanny packs and fashion, when are we going to bring that trend back?

Peeps!

I'd be lying if most mornings I didn't look in the mirror prior to my walk into work and think "Damn, I look good." I think most people do. Well, except for maybe the blind, but I'm sure even they have some sort of adapted way of knowing whether they have made a fashion faux pas. And if I can recall correctly, I've never seen a blind person horribly dressed.

I think what constitutes a fashion mistake is relative. Everyone has his/her own tastes. So when a woman on the street is wearing a hat that closely resembles the result of a marshamellow Peep, the beloved Easter candy, and a Muppet having a baby, I for one hold her up as a national hero. That purple and pink fur hat speaks loudly, and you know what it's saying? Well, I'll tell you. That giant furry Peep is shouting "Get outta my way! I'm on my way to the top!"

God bless you lady on Fifth Avenue and 19th Street. Your Muppet/Peep hybrid fashion choice just made my entire week.

Truf - The one day you don't live by the triple check rule when it comes to your fly being up...

...it will most definitely be down and it will take a man noticing your red undies and pointing out that your fly is indeed down for you to notice.

Normally, my routine consists of:

1. Pull pants up.
2. Button up.
3. Zip up.
4. Open bathroom door.
5. Recheck fly situation.
6. Wash hands.
7. Recheck fly situation.
8. Exit bathroom.
10. Recheck fly situation.

Dammit! The one day I skip steps #5, #7 and #10, I totally drop the ball. On a more positive note - the guy who pointed out my undies, well...I think we had a bonding moment. And not in a pervy way.

What's more disturbing - YOU BE THE JUDGE!

Yesterday, while walking to the train station for my commute to work, I saw a girl that was dressed like she either:

A.) Was partaking in a "walk of shame" after a long night of NOT sleeping at her own house and still had on the clothes from the night before.

B.) Has really flexible judgement on what constitutes "work appropriate" attire.

Either way, the outfit was crap. Imagine if Wonder Woman and Ally McBeal morphed into one - yeah, that's what I said. Has your brain exploded yet?

The Ear Muff Odyssey

One conclusion I came to at an early age was that I can not wear ear muffs. Let me rephrase: I SHOULD NOT wear ear muffs. I can physically wear them. It's not like I have some sort of deformed ear or head issue. It's just that when I put on a pair, I look like a retarded snow bunny. A retarded snow bunny that can only be seen in the midwest. Oddly enough, I am from the midwest and I don't acclimate well to extremely cold temperatures. I find this odd because I spend the greater part (and by "greater part" I mean the entire) summer bitching about the heat and how I love cold weather.

Despite the knowledge that two puffy pieces of fabric attached to the sides of my head is a horrible fashion mistake on my part, what did I do? I went out and dropped $50 on a pair of ear muffs, of course!

On the upside, I don't look as retarded as I did back in 2003 when I last tried on a pair of auditory muffs (that's what I'm calling them now). Plus, these auditory muffs are in a posh plaid pattern, so if worse comes to worse, I can fake my best Scottish accent and pretend that whomever just made fun of my auditory muffs is a total jerk because they not only made fun of what I was wearing but poked fun at my ancestral tartan. After typing that last sentence out and reading it out loud, I have since burned said auditory muffs and invested in a nice hat that can not be described by using a slang term for female parts.