I bet Hitler never had a birthday cake either.

While watching the 11 o'clock news this evening, I learned about a family who named their two kids the following:

JoyceLynn Aryan Nation Campbell and Adolph Hitler Campbell

Seriously? The father said he was shocked about the reaction to his son's name and denied being a racist. Seriously? He said him and his wife chose "Adolph Hitler" as the boy's name because "no one else would have the same name." Great logic Pops. Your son would only share his name WITH ONE OF THE MOST EVIL PEOPLE TO EVER LIVE. That's waaaaaaay better than being one of three Brian's or Matthew's in his homeroom class.

Apparently, a local grocery store refused to write the child's name on a birthday cake his parents had ordered. I can only imagine the bakery person on duty when that phone order came in. Talk about a shitty day at work. The grocery stood by their decision and refused to decorate the cake with the child's name, but eventually a local Wal-Mart granted the parents' requests. Do we really need any more proof that Wal-Mart is the true axis of evil? I know this theory might be premature, but I'm willing to out on a limb and say if Wal-Mart had been around in 1939 Germany, another Adolph H. would have been getting his discounted birthday cakes there as well...SHOP LOCAL! DON'T LET WAL-MART DESTROY YOUR COMMUNITY!

Well, you can call me a racist if you want, but on behalf of all white people, I'm banning this guy from checking the little Caucasian box on any form where you're asked to denote your race. Taking one look at him, I'm guessing he could be a distant relative to Gollum from Lord of the Rings, so that mutant breed can have him.

Hookah Hokies.

While walking to the subway in the East Village this afternoon, I overheard a conversation amongst three of the most generic lookin women I have ever seen in my life. They were standing in front of a hookah bar. This is what transpired:

Fat Chick: "Have you ever tried hookah?"
Horse Face: "No, you?"
Four Eyes: "I haven't. I've seen enough people who have tried it and that's enough for me."

I was a little confused. Hookah is herbal fruit. It's essentially like putting your mom potpourri in a bong and smoking it. Four Eyes made it sound like it was some sort of maniacal, orgy-inducing drug. I mean, c'mon - the caterpillar in Alice in Wonderland was a hookah smoker - if you can't mold yourself around a beloved Disney character, what can you aspire to (Fun Fact: My personality is an exact imitation of Baloo from The Jungle Book and Tinker Bell from Peter Pan)?

To read more about hookah, go here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hookah

It'll make you feel far more mentally superior to these three women if you read the Wikipedia entry.

Nostalgia sucks.

While walking home tonight, an ex-boyfriend from four years ago wandered into my train of thought for no apparent reason. I was listening to the Beastie Boys on my iPod and the next thing I knew...BAM! There he was right in my stream of consciousness.

I got to thinking about heartbreak and what exactly constitutes a broken heart. This boyfriend in particular broke my heart. Matter of factly, he is the only one that has the privilege of earning that title. And man...did he break it good. Nice and good. He might as well have ripped out the organ like Robert De Niro did in "Frankenstein" while attacking Helena Bonham Carter's character. That's what it felt like at least (disclaimer: This boyfriend did not look like a gimped up Robert De Niro).

Anyway, when I got home I looked up "heartbreak" on Wikipedia. There is actually a pretty extensive entry on the subject. They even have a list of symptoms (I had 18 out of the 20 listed after the aforementioned break up):

A perceived tightness of the chest, similar to an anxiety attack
Stomach ache and/or loss of appetite
Partial or complete insomnia
Anger
Shock
Nostalgia
Apathy (loss of interest)
Feelings of loneliness
Feelings of hopelessness and despair
Loss of self-respect and/or self-esteem
Medical or psychological illness (e.g. depression)
Suicidal thoughts (in extreme cases)
Nausea
Denial
Fatigue
The thousand-yard stare
Constant or Frequent crying
A feeling of complete emptiness
Feelings of being sad
Feeling of emptiness

However, my point is this: Wikipedia does an excellent job of summing up heartbreak by pin pointing how much it sucks. Kudos Wikipedia. You've done it again.

Diarrhea television advertisements.

Does anyone else feel uncomfortable in the following situation:

You are casually watching television with friends/roommates when an advertisement comes on claiming such and such medicine can cure chronic diarrhea. Said advertisement will usually feature a cartoon or something symbolizing the awkwardness of the runs/trots/squirts/etc.

And have you ever noticed that these ads are always scheduled for the time when most people are eating dinner? Nothing says "Man, I really enjoy Thai food" like an ad for chronic bowel issues.

Also, I included this photo of the Hoff with puppies as it was one of the results that popped up when I did a Google image search for "awkward," as I find chronic diarrhea adverts just that - a-w-k-w-a-r-d.

Michael Buble is about two steps away from becoming my archnemesis.

Two of my roommates are going to see Michael Buble in concert in a few weeks, and I realized only this evening that I can't say his last name without laughing. Immature? Well, of course. Completely appropriate? Sort of.

This guy is the hottest ticket in town for the over sixty crowd (with the exception of my two roommates). And before I go on any further, I want to say right now that I have seen my roommates' iPods and I know that they have pretty good music taste - except for the Buble. I can't get behind this guys. I'm sorry.

So exactly who is the Buble? In short, the Buble rips off Frank Sinatra. The Buble appears in Starbucks commercials. The Buble is adored by millions of grandmas the world over. The Buble has the worst last name ever imagined. If the Buble was from Florida, he would be my archnemesis. Your Canadian birth saved you my friend. Otherwise, you would have been on the list, right behind General Electric.

And as I wrap up this post, I would like to end with a message to the Buble himself: I'm watching you Buble. You might be buttering up the grandparents of the world, but I've got my eyes on you. When the geriatrics rise up and attempt to take over with their slow walking, canes and prescription medicines, I'll still have my eyes on you. Nobody tries to sell me Starbucks via the television without raising my suspicions. NOBODY!

G.E. just stuck a fork in one of the only things I truly love.

Today, The New York Times reported that General Electric would be selling their appliance unit. My response? Ah, HELL NO! And why do I stand opposed to the sale? Because of one reason and one reason only: One of my favorite parts about the t.v. program 30 Rock, starring Tina Fey and Alec Baldwin, involves a G.E. appliance unit. That's right folks. I'm talking about Microwave Oven Programming.

What will 30 Rock's Jack Donaghy do without the Microwave Oven Programming unit?! THE MICROWAVE OVEN PROGRAMMING UNIT!!!!!!!! I dare say, G.E. has just declared war on Mary Ann Porch. And Mary Ann Porch isn't going down without a fight.

I'm drafting a letter to the bigwigs at G.E. right now. This is what I have so far:

Dear General Electric -

Please do not sell off your appliance unit and destroy the one thing I enjoy out of life - Jack Donaghy's reign over the Microwave Oven Programming Unit on the hit show 30 Rock. You might not be aware, but I'm currently lying on my death bed. I can see the light. But I'm ignoring it because I'm watching 30 Rock on t.v. Ever heard the saying that "Laughter is the best medicine"? Well, that's what my doctor just wrote on my chart. Please don't eff with modern medicine and kill me.

XOXOXO,
Mary Ann
(1981 to :: a date that is in your hands, General Electric ::)

Readers, feel free to contribute edits/additions to this letter by leaving comments to this post. Let's fight the man!

McDonald's Corporation, please forgive me.

As I now see myself in the middle of housing/financial crisis, I must issue an apology to the McDonald's Corporation. I realize this blog is a piss poor apology, so I will craft a suitable letter to mail (and I will also post it here). To sum it up, you might not have a place to live, you might be contemplating kayaking across half the globe, but you can always count on McDonald's to offer up cheap food. It might kill me in the long run, but nothing says "feel better lil' Mary" like McDonald's french fries and soft serve ice cream cone. Bring on the elastic waist pants!

The Unification of My Hypopigmented Brethren (originally published on May 17, 2006)

This morning, while I was "working" at work, I came upon an article on CNN.com focusing on the negative reviews and protests aimed at "The Da Vinci Code." Normally, I would have skipped this article and headed straight for the piece announcing the separation of Paul McCartney and his one-legged wife, but I had recently listened to Tom Hanks on National Public Radio, so my interest was somewhat current.

I've never gotten swept up in what I like to call "literary diarrhea." This lovely term encompasses everything from Oprah's Book Club to generally anything and everything in the "chick lit" genre. I think this rule is serving me well because look what happened to James Frey's masterpiece "A Million Little Pieces"? It was a fake, and Frey turned out to be the asshole of early 2006. My point is that I never read "The Da Vinci Code" and I generally avoided its existence. The hype surrounding the book never appealed to me, and frankly, I find anything "churchy" a bit boring. And besides, I love the tacky factor behind everything based in Catholocism. From their art to general congregations in Staten Island, New York, I'll be damned if anyone fictionalizes the utter kitsch factor involved with the Catholic religion.

The movie version of "The Da Vinci Code" excites me about as much as the book has. I'm a Tom Hanks fan, but I'm relatively certain a giant keyboard, a sidekick dog, or a volleyball that provides feelings bordering on sportsmanship and lust are not key players in this new film.

And after reading the reviews thus far, the movie has not received much praise. Hanks has been described as giving a "wooden performance" and apparently their isn't much "chemistry between the hero and heroine." Since I haven't seen the movie, obviously my opinion is a bit skewed, but I can honestly say nothing can capture the bond that Hanks had with the dog in "Turner and Hooch." Seriously, that dog was classic. No woman can show up that dog. But I digress. The film itself was described as "a bloated puzzle," but I think anyone will admit that Hanks does look a bit fat in the promotional photos for the movie, so perhaps the reviewer was not being critical but honestly observant. The "puzzle" of "a bloated puzzle" could be a remark on his choice of hair style, because quite frankly, a universal "what the fuck?" was uttered when Hanks debuted that atrocity of a man's last attempt to hold on to his hair line.

Slightly more interesting than the shitty reviews are the protests being waged around the world. Hunger strikes in India, boycotts in South Korea, and requests for censorship in Singapore are a few of the uproars being raised in reaction to the movie. It's interesting that instead of Christians seeing this as a test of faith, they are demanding the film be censored. I can say that certain parts of the Bible are not really offending, but bore me to death, which i find offensive. So censor thoughs. Give me some white-out and I'll take care of it. Speaking of white-out, this leads me to my next point...

By far, the most interesting group to take offense to the movie is the National Organization for Albinism and Hypopigmentation. Apparently, the villian in the movie is an albino, and this pisses off the fair skinned (fair eyed, fair haried). Now dont' get me wrong. I love the albinos. Granted, their Casper like features scare the shit out of me, but as a non-albino that has been described as sickly pale most of her life, I too, can identify with their plight. Even though I have a normal hair and eye color, I too suffer from sunburns and the constant taunts of "Why don't you get a spray on tanner?"

CNN.com writes:

Also, while not planning a protest or boycott, members of the National Organization for Albinism and Hypopigmentation expressed unhappiness with the film's heavy, a monk-assassin, being an albino, as described in the book.

Michael McGowan, an albino who heads the organization, said "The Da Vinci Code" will be the 68th movie since 1960 to feature an evil albino. He said the group aims to use the movie's popularity to raise awareness about the realities of albinism. People with albinism have little or no pigmentation in their skin, eyes and hair.

According to this article, we're averaging more than two evil albino characters a year in the motion picture industry. I think it's fairly apparent what is going on here. This is obviously far greater than any conspiracy theory presented in "The Da Vinci Code." Far more sinister thant he Pentavret Mike Meyers described in "So I Married an Axe Murderer" (the Queen, the Vatican, the Rothchild's, the Getty's, and the king of the Kentucky Fried Chicken empire, the Sanders). This my friends, is a modern day alliance not seen since Hitler teamed up with the Russians and the Italians.

From what I can tell, the major players are Hollywood celebrities (excluding Jim Gaffigan, Nicole Kidman, and Conan O'Brien), Neutrogena, and a secret organization of tanning bed/salon manafacturers and salon owners. Hollywood is out to villianize the pigmentally-challenged.

This whole task force of uber tanned evil was first brought to my attention sometime last year when photos of Lindsay Lohan surfaced revealing she was a fake tanner. She was waving to a camera which resulted the documentation of orange-stained palms: A tell-tale sign of at home tanner. And now with the staggering statistics presented by the National Organization for Albinism and Hypopigmentation, I believe an all out epidermis war is on the horizon.

God bless Dan Brown for writing such a ridiculous book about a murder conspiracy in the Christian church involving an evil albino. I doubt he ever saw the prophecy he was proclaiming...