Truf - Just because you scream into a microphone does not make you a comedian.

Speaking loudly into a mic doesn't make you any funnier either. I've learned this lesson again tonight after sitting through the SoundFix Comedy Night. I would like to pose a challenge to any comedian reading this. Try to do a routine that doesn't consist of the following words:

1. Vagina
2. Pussy
3. Cock
4. Asshole
5. Anus
6. Fuck

If you were really witty, you could keep all the profanity out. George Carlin is the only one who could use profanity in a clever way, so please, save us all a bit of time and don't try to rip off a legend. It's not that I'm offended by your language but more along the lines of being offended that I've wasted any time watching you perform such an uncreative act.

Truf - Breathing through one nostril is never fun.

I'm currently nursing a head cold that won't seem to go away, and as a result, I have developed the fine skill of breathing out of one nostril. The other nostril could be described as skilled in the field of ambidexterity (if you consider my nostrils appendages) - it can both run AND remain stuffed up, all at the same time!

Only one week and five days until summer weather. Not that I'm counting.

Truf - Light is not always better.

I'm talking about Sunkist Light soda. I just tasted Sunkist Light for the first time, and I have to say…well...it's light on a lot of things but certainly not bad taste.

I for one am a huge fan of not only soda, but the orange-flavored kind. Somebody got a Fanta they want to share? I'll take it! But if you try to give me a Sunkist Light in the future, I'll hate you. Will I still drink it? Well yeah. I never say no to free soda. But my contempt for you will be palpable.

Truf - The one day you don't live by the triple check rule when it comes to your fly being up...

...it will most definitely be down and it will take a man noticing your red undies and pointing out that your fly is indeed down for you to notice.

Normally, my routine consists of:

1. Pull pants up.
2. Button up.
3. Zip up.
4. Open bathroom door.
5. Recheck fly situation.
6. Wash hands.
7. Recheck fly situation.
8. Exit bathroom.
10. Recheck fly situation.

Dammit! The one day I skip steps #5, #7 and #10, I totally drop the ball. On a more positive note - the guy who pointed out my undies, well...I think we had a bonding moment. And not in a pervy way.

Truf - Peanut butter on green apples is the best snack...EVER.

Don't try substituting red apples...unless you want a snack that, at its best, would be described as "crapple".

Also, the picture I've included does not do this snack justice. It was either this photo or a picture of someone's cat named Peanut Butter. Hey, even Google Image Search has its low points.

Truf - I have the same sense of humor as most 10 year old boys.

I noticed today that whenever I rub my hands together, for example, to warm them in cold weather, I can not avoid making farting noises. My hands are incapable of silently rubbing together. And do I laugh every time I hear said farting noise? Yes. Yes I do.

(rubbing hands together right :: now ::)

Truf - Fried Green Tomatoes, Steel Magnolias and Designing Women are still relevant.

For those skeptics that think the films Fried Green Tomatoes and Steel Magnolias, as well as the television show Designing Women, are outdated and irrelevant, I'm here to tell you that you're wrong.

The idea of sassy Southern women is NEVER out of style, and in the immortal words of Carlene Frazier Dobber, "I've learned one thing in my life; never fry chicken when you are naked."

Truf – Airport bathroom.

It is a universal truth that if you have to go to the bathroom at the airport and you hold it in until you learn that your flight has been delayed, you still shouldn’t go to the bathroom. Inevitably, if you go to the bathroom to relieve yourself, the airline will revert to the original flight time and you will have to rush. Truf.

Truf: The international music section in every record shop smells like farts AND why I love strangers who openly admit to me that they farted

It is a universal truth that every international music section in every music store you have ever visited in the entire world smells like farts. Don't ask me why, but it's true. I visited Barnes & Noble today trying to find a copy of a very old school 1980s movie on DVD and decided to swing through the music section. This truth was very evident, might I say.

Also, this morning on the L train into work, a man openly admitted to me and the crowd around the two of us that he had farted. I'm pretty certain everyone noticed the smell, but honestly - who would say anything? But apparently this man does not live by this rule. Very plainly, he said "That was me. Sorry, my wife made chili last night." Everyone kind of giggled, except for me. I shook the man's hand and introduced myself. I just met my new hero. And his name is Garry Cartledge of Brooklyn, New York.