Thursday, January 22, 2009

Sweden, you know how to make my day.

You know what's better than toilet paper embossed with a heart-shaped design? The names of places in Sweden. I like to see where readers of this blog are coming from, and apparently the folks of Karlskoga and Norrkping are fans.

This reminds me of the absolute euphoria I feel whenever I walk into an Ikea on a non-busy day. Speaking of, anyone want to take a field trip out to the Red Hook Ikea for some Swedish meatballs? The chicken strips are to die for too!

I didn't know pants had gone out of style.

Apparently, sometime between Monday and today, pants have become optional for women in this city - skirts too, for that matter. Really, anything that covers up the body from the waist down with the exception of a leotard has become a "maybe" instead of a definite.

In the past week, I've seen two women walking around with what could essentially be described as leggings and underwear. I don't understand - aren't they cold? Don't they realize that the word "leotard" has the "tard" in it for a reason? I've tried to capture images on my camera phone, but they never turn out. I'll try harder next time.

The conclusion: Either there has been a rapid influx of New York City women enrolled in dance classes since the new year started, or the sale of mirrors in the tri-state area has fallen drastically.

P.S. To all the Brits out there that read this blog, some clarification: When I say "pants," I mean "trousers." I know how you people work with your "pants" and the horrible meaning the phrase "fanny pack" takes on when you say it. Speaking of fanny packs and fashion, when are we going to bring that trend back?

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Awww...thanks toilet paper.

It's funny how something as simple as a heart pattern on the office toilet paper can make you feel a bit more optimistic about the day.

Thursday, January 15, 2009


I'd be lying if most mornings I didn't look in the mirror prior to my walk into work and think "Damn, I look good." I think most people do. Well, except for maybe the blind, but I'm sure even they have some sort of adapted way of knowing whether they have made a fashion faux pas. And if I can recall correctly, I've never seen a blind person horribly dressed.

I think what constitutes a fashion mistake is relative. Everyone has his/her own tastes. So when a woman on the street is wearing a hat that closely resembles the result of a marshamellow Peep, the beloved Easter candy, and a Muppet having a baby, I for one hold her up as a national hero. That purple and pink fur hat speaks loudly, and you know what it's saying? Well, I'll tell you. That giant furry Peep is shouting "Get outta my way! I'm on my way to the top!"

God bless you lady on Fifth Avenue and 19th Street. Your Muppet/Peep hybrid fashion choice just made my entire week.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Follow me!

In probably one of the few times I'll encourage potential stalkers, I want to ask all of you loyal readers to start "following" my blog. Add me to your RSS feed, favorite me on Technorati, etc. I'm trying to gauge how many are actually fans versus those who happen to stumble upon my page while do Google image searches for dentures or Little House on the Prairie trivia.

Everbody is excited about the inauguration.

On my way home from work today, I stopped to look at a window display and happened to ovehear a conversation two homeless men were having. As I looked over, I noticed one of the men had what can only be described as a giant cardboard "help me I'm homeless" rolodex of signs. He was trying to choose which one fit his mood for the evening when he said to his friend,"Do you think I should make a special inauguration themed one?" Freaking. Awesome.

Working out.

While lifting a 3.5 pound slab of meat into a crock pot this morning, I pulled a muscle in my shoulder. I wish I was kidding.

2009: The year I was defeated by a beef product.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

It's still safe to watch the Biggest Loser...

It's still safe to watch the Biggest Loser because the new season just started and all the contestants are still fatter than me.

I bet Hitler never had a birthday cake either.

While watching the 11 o'clock news this evening, I learned about a family who named their two kids the following:

JoyceLynn Aryan Nation Campbell and Adolph Hitler Campbell

Seriously? The father said he was shocked about the reaction to his son's name and denied being a racist. Seriously? He said him and his wife chose "Adolph Hitler" as the boy's name because "no one else would have the same name." Great logic Pops. Your son would only share his name WITH ONE OF THE MOST EVIL PEOPLE TO EVER LIVE. That's waaaaaaay better than being one of three Brian's or Matthew's in his homeroom class.

Apparently, a local grocery store refused to write the child's name on a birthday cake his parents had ordered. I can only imagine the bakery person on duty when that phone order came in. Talk about a shitty day at work. The grocery stood by their decision and refused to decorate the cake with the child's name, but eventually a local Wal-Mart granted the parents' requests. Do we really need any more proof that Wal-Mart is the true axis of evil? I know this theory might be premature, but I'm willing to out on a limb and say if Wal-Mart had been around in 1939 Germany, another Adolph H. would have been getting his discounted birthday cakes there as well...SHOP LOCAL! DON'T LET WAL-MART DESTROY YOUR COMMUNITY!

Well, you can call me a racist if you want, but on behalf of all white people, I'm banning this guy from checking the little Caucasian box on any form where you're asked to denote your race. Taking one look at him, I'm guessing he could be a distant relative to Gollum from Lord of the Rings, so that mutant breed can have him.


When I was a kid growing up in Oklahoma City, I distinctly remember a Camel Cigarette billboard that was strategically positioned on the Northwest Expressway in Oklahoma City. I say "strategically positioned" because the N.W. Expressway is one busy mother of a street. Thousands of people must have seen that billboard every day, so I'm sure generations of smokers were born on that stretch of road every day.

The billboard always featured the infamous Joe Camel. He lived quite a glamorous life, at least according to this advertsing medium. Joe was always wearing a nifty Miami Vice inspired suit, the collar suspiciously flared. He seemed to be a man...err..camel...of pleasure. You could always find Joe sitting on the beach, shooting some pool, driving in his convertible. And he was unbelievably muscular. I think Joe may have taken steroids because I've never seen a smoker with such a hot body. And Joe was a SMOKER. Everything he did involved a cigarette.

Maybe he was European - those people are always lighting up. I'm pretty certain they smoke in their sleep. Don't worry Europeans - If I knew smoking wouldn't eventually kill me, I'd do it too. I love smoking.

The details are hazy, but the Joe Camel billboard disappeared sometime between when I was in elementary school and when I started high school. However, it wasn't until my tenth grade year that I remember telling me that Joe Camel was always controversial because of his face. Call me naive, but I still didn't understand.

"Mary Ann, his face looks like a cock and balls."

Still, nothing. This shows how innocent I was in 1998. Cock and balls? Huh? Then someone made it more clear.

"Mary Ann, his face looks like a weiner."

Side note: Showing that I haven't matured much since my sophomore year of high school, I still laugh when I see the word weiner.

After I heard about the Joe Camel's Face looks Like a Weiner Phenomenon of '98, I went in search of a photo to verify this claim. I recalled what Joe Camel looked like, but as a small child seeing his billboard, I never said,"Hey mommy - check out the dong on that giant billboard!" He looked like a camel, or at least what a child born and raised in Oklahoma THOUGHT a camel looked like. I'm sure at some point I drew a parallel between the fact that both Joe Camel and my Granny had the same hobby (smoking, not picking up chicks like Joe seemed to do). Other than that, I don't remember my imagination going any further. Besides, I don't think most young girls know what a grown man's sexual organs look like, and why would I ever compare a camel's face to a prick? I thought he was ugly, so obviously my opinions on a man's crotch haven't changed much since I was kid. Is there anything more awkward than a naked man, especially when they walk around the nude? Ladies, am I wrong? It's weird!

Not to date myself, but I can't remember if Joe Camel was still being used in cigarette ads back then, so I can't recall if I went online (the Internet wasn't that bad ass back then) or where exactly my investigative research led me. However, I do remember finding a picture of Joe Camel and thinking,"That's what a penis looks like?" You see, I was a good kid. No loss of virginity in high school for me. I was convinced that the world at large was essentially made up of perverts and that Joe the Camel was just that: a camel. Not a sexual innuendo.

Until last week. I was randomly perusing the Internet and I somehow came upon an illustration of Joe Camel. My first thought was that Joe probably wouldn't still look like after a lifetime of smoking. But almost immediately after I began to think about how Joe's camel hump now being a horrible tumor, like a flash of lightning I saw his face. My god! It does look a ping pong (that's the nice way to say "penis")! Almost 20 years after first seeing a Joe Camel billboard did I finally see what everyone else in the world has been talking about since at least the 1980s.

I didn't think much of this besides the fact that I don't look at cartoon images of animals and equate them to human beings' privates, at least until today. While walking home from work this evening, I saw a woman wearing a pair of work out pants and was suffering from a case of the camel toe (a topic which warrants an entire blog itself). Initially I thought that it was unfortunate that this woman was falling victim to such a major fashion faux pas, but I did not hesitate to think that Joe Camel would like to meet his match.

I'm the grossest person in the world. Nice to meet you!

Hey 2009. Pleasure to meet you.

One of my 2009 resolutions is to blog more. Well, write more in general. Actually, I don't make resolutions so those two previous sentences are kind of bullshit. But I did decide about a week ago to write more. Decisions are made all year round. Resolutions are made in that tiny time frame between the last week of December and the first week of January. So yeah, decisions. I'm making 'em.

Considering on an average day I typically think about at least two blog entries I could post, expect a lot more. Sorry for being a lame-o poster my dear readers. I'm making a promise to improve.