Thank you Dunkin Donuts for making me look stupid.

I realized last night that for the majority of my adult life, I have misspelled the word "doughnuts." How could someone with a college degree in English misspell such a common word, you may ask. Well, here is a little secret: I only made it to the school spelling bee once in elementary school (5th grade), and I was kicked out in the first round. I don't even remember the word that got me disqualified, but I think that was the complete shock and mortification that sunk after realizing I hadn't even made it to Round #2: Verbs.

However, I now believe there is another culprit at large. When you break down in scientific terms exactly what constitutes a doughnut, you have some dough that is in the shape of a nut. Why not put the two together for fun?! But in 1950, William Rosenberg decided to unleash the ultimate mind fuck when he named his store Dunkin Donuts. Why he chose this spelling, I don't know. His first store's name was The Open Kettle, so I would assume if spelling wasn't his forte, he would have chosen Thee Opin Kettel. I can only guess that Rosenberg thought that Dunkin Donuts sounded catchy, and maybe he wanted to save on typewriter ink - donut is arguably shorter than doughnut. He obviously wanted to take the "ugh" out of ordering ink cartridges for his machine. Well, "ugh" is the noise I made when I realized how often I misspelled doughnut. Thanks Mr. Rosenberg. Your thriftiness has made me look like a dumb ass.

I can only guess that my early adoption of Dunkin Donuts' doughnut holes as a staple in my diet led to me believe that doughnuts was actually donut. Most people would believe that letting your six year old eat at least a dozen doughnut holes isn't a good idea, but it was the 1980s and EVERYBODY was eating doughnut holes. Ahhh...the Reagan years: A time where kids weren't fat, regardless of the fact that they ate McDonald's breakfast meals and Dunkin Donuts doughnut holes. Those were good times.

So Mr. Rosenberg, I'm telling you today that I might still have the inclination to leave out the "ugh", but I now know better. I'll be damned if your tasty donut holes trick me again. Dammit...