Tuesday, October 16, 2007

I'm infamous. Or was that un-famous. You be the judge.

This past weekend, I was referred to as the infamous Mary Ann. Apparently, my best friend is obsessed with me and has brought me up enough in conversations with her ner roommates enough to warrant this title. I would be creeped out, but I've known since the second grade that she's had a mega crush on me, so whatevs.

I've been called lots of things in my 26 years, but this is the first time "infamous" has been used. This got me to thinking: what have I done that would be considered worthy to include on my infamous resume? Well, I'm glad you're curious too because this is the list I've come up with:

1. In the fifth grade, at the age of 10, I raised the most money (I think it was around $700 or so) in my school's "Jump Rope for Heart" charity event. My secret? While all those sad bastard classmates of mine went around the neighborhood collecting pledges of measley coins, I went straight to the top. My elementary business savvy took me to all the local area banks, restaurants, and various local shops where people had corporate checking accounts. Overall, I probably put in about a tenth of the effort as the rest of my classmates, but guess who walked home with the grand prize of a Nintendo? Me. That's who. It should also be noted that I don't actually remember doing any jump roping at the event. I'm more of an ideas person really...annnnnnnnnnnd I was a fat kid. So sue me.

2. I once beat Emily A. in a farting contest in June 1999. It was the eve of my Germany/Austria trip, and we wanted a unique way to say goodbye. Suck it Ambruso! Victory was mine!

3. During my junior year of college, I successfully lobbed an egg out of a moving vehicle to hit my target of a second story apartment computer. You heard me right folks. Imagine this:
It's a cold, windy night in Lawrence, Kansas. I've got one thing on my mind, and that thing is revenge. I know my chances are slim, but I've never been one to back down from a challenge that involves petty vandalism and a sincere lack of maturity. As I'm driving, I lob an egg out of my driver's side window, over the car, and through the window of a second story apartment building. And where did this egg land? Right on the desktop keyboard. Now I'm not saying that I'm gifted in the skill of trajectory, but I am gifted in the skill of trajectory.

4. I can make up a five stanza song on cue. Seriously, tell me to sing and I'll give you a song you'll never forget. Some of my classics include "7up Up Up and Away with My Heart" and "Jeans, Jeans the Music Fruit."

5. I say "This is just like that Seinfeld episode" about 11 times a day, even when I know a situation is nothing like an episode of Seinfeld.

6. I use italics in my speech. It's a trick I do with my face. Ask me to show you the next time I see you.

7. I have never won a food eating contest, but yet I keep entering them. I'm not talking about the professional kind where some jack ass eats 394 hot dogs. I just dare my friends that I can eat, for example, more pancakes than them, even though I KNOW they can beat me. But I always THINK I'll win. It's called confidence folks. Completely mind blowing, retarded confidence.

8. In the summer of 2006, I made fleeting eye contact with James Iha of the Smashing Pumpkins while watching the band the Office at the Mercury Lounge. Two days later, I was walking down 2nd Avenue, and as I passsed the extremely over-rated Mexican food restaurant named Mary Ann's, who did I see eating a fajita on the patio of my namesake el restaurante? A Mr. James Iha! And what band was playing on my iPod as all this happened? The Office! This is totally like that scene in the animated version of The Lion King where the bear or lion or whatever it is holds thes baby bear/lion/donkey over its head and all the animals are singing some Elton John song. It was either "Benny and the Jets" or "Circle of Life." Either way, both are appropriate.

9. Even though I'm not a homosexual, I once out-gayed a gay man. You might think it's impossible, but let me tell you something: Reach for the stars.

10. During the summer of 2005, I ate no fewer than 12 Baskin Robbins ice cream cakes from the months of May to September. Not only did I not gain any weight, I managed to lose 7 pounds. Damn. Straight.

11. I once went as the Virgin Mary post birth to a costume party and was too lazy to wash the fake blood off my legs for two days. As a result, I completely avoid the church on 14th Street as its called the Church of Immaculate Conception. Now I don't really know what my religious views are, but I'm confident that someone somewhere would love to pull that little joke on me. I think the universal fear that I will produce the next Rosemary's Baby has prevented it thus far.

There are a few more things I could add to this list, but I feel this is sufficient. I don't even know if any of these topics came up in conversation and earned me the title of "infamous," but I'd like to think they played a small part.

Stay tuned for my next blog where I'll explore the mysteries of back fat and the Food Network's Paula Dean.