Nostalgia sucks.

While walking home tonight, an ex-boyfriend from four years ago wandered into my train of thought for no apparent reason. I was listening to the Beastie Boys on my iPod and the next thing I knew...BAM! There he was right in my stream of consciousness.

I got to thinking about heartbreak and what exactly constitutes a broken heart. This boyfriend in particular broke my heart. Matter of factly, he is the only one that has the privilege of earning that title. And man...did he break it good. Nice and good. He might as well have ripped out the organ like Robert De Niro did in "Frankenstein" while attacking Helena Bonham Carter's character. That's what it felt like at least (disclaimer: This boyfriend did not look like a gimped up Robert De Niro).

Anyway, when I got home I looked up "heartbreak" on Wikipedia. There is actually a pretty extensive entry on the subject. They even have a list of symptoms (I had 18 out of the 20 listed after the aforementioned break up):

A perceived tightness of the chest, similar to an anxiety attack
Stomach ache and/or loss of appetite
Partial or complete insomnia
Anger
Shock
Nostalgia
Apathy (loss of interest)
Feelings of loneliness
Feelings of hopelessness and despair
Loss of self-respect and/or self-esteem
Medical or psychological illness (e.g. depression)
Suicidal thoughts (in extreme cases)
Nausea
Denial
Fatigue
The thousand-yard stare
Constant or Frequent crying
A feeling of complete emptiness
Feelings of being sad
Feeling of emptiness

However, my point is this: Wikipedia does an excellent job of summing up heartbreak by pin pointing how much it sucks. Kudos Wikipedia. You've done it again.

G.E. just stuck a fork in one of the only things I truly love.

Today, The New York Times reported that General Electric would be selling their appliance unit. My response? Ah, HELL NO! And why do I stand opposed to the sale? Because of one reason and one reason only: One of my favorite parts about the t.v. program 30 Rock, starring Tina Fey and Alec Baldwin, involves a G.E. appliance unit. That's right folks. I'm talking about Microwave Oven Programming.

What will 30 Rock's Jack Donaghy do without the Microwave Oven Programming unit?! THE MICROWAVE OVEN PROGRAMMING UNIT!!!!!!!! I dare say, G.E. has just declared war on Mary Ann Porch. And Mary Ann Porch isn't going down without a fight.

I'm drafting a letter to the bigwigs at G.E. right now. This is what I have so far:

Dear General Electric -

Please do not sell off your appliance unit and destroy the one thing I enjoy out of life - Jack Donaghy's reign over the Microwave Oven Programming Unit on the hit show 30 Rock. You might not be aware, but I'm currently lying on my death bed. I can see the light. But I'm ignoring it because I'm watching 30 Rock on t.v. Ever heard the saying that "Laughter is the best medicine"? Well, that's what my doctor just wrote on my chart. Please don't eff with modern medicine and kill me.

XOXOXO,
Mary Ann
(1981 to :: a date that is in your hands, General Electric ::)

Readers, feel free to contribute edits/additions to this letter by leaving comments to this post. Let's fight the man!

Revenge of the frozen loaf of bread.

In college, my good friend Diane showed me that by putting bread in the freezer, it would stay edible and prevent any mold from growing. I really appreciated this tip and have employed it since. Generally, I eat alot of bread so I just keep it in the fridge instead of the freezer as I eat it fast enough to prevent mold from popping up - regardless of temperature.

However, in my new place we have quite a small fridge which is being shared by four people, so there is no room for my bread - except in the freezer. Considering that it's warmer in Sydney than say, New York, most of the year, I was willing to accept the freezer. Until this morning.

At 7:02 a.m. this morning, I took my frozen loaf of bread out of the freezer. I was aspiring to make toast...a lofty goal, I know. Well, what happened next can only be described as hell fire pain. In an attempt to pry the bread from it's communal loaf, I came upon a slice that would not budge. It wouldn't come apart. Instead of giving up, I tried prying the bread slices apart with my finger nails. And that fucking piece of bread almost ripped my thumb nail off. After swearing and calling that bread loaf's mother a "yeasty bitch," I went farther into the loaf to retrieve a slice that would, in fact, seperate from the loaf at large.

The lesson I learned is this: Bread can be a real bastard when it wants to be, especially early in the morning. I've also learned that I must have borderline obsessive compulsive disorder, as I can't stop thinking about the fact that I ate the bread slices out of order. I have ALWAYS worked from the top of the loaf to the bottom (based on the assumption it's in a bag), but this morning everything was thrown out of whack and I'm now eating from two different areas in the loaf. Damn you bread! I will defeat you! Victory has not been declared!