Monday, May 19, 2008

Oh General Electric, why are you stamping all over my heart?

For those of you that survived the summer when I became obsessed with Baskin Robbins’ ice cream cakes, I'm warning you - another siege is on. However, this time my focus isn't on delicious dairy/baked goods. This time, I'm taking on a 120 year old company. That's right readers - I'm talking about General Electric (side note: I'm not sure how many other companies have been around for 120 years, but feel free to educate me via the comments section).

General Electric can be likened to my second serious college boyfriend - he gave me heaps of things (attention, love, friendship, etc.), but then he took it all away (and no, that's not bitterness. It's fact - he dumped me. Feel better now?). But unlike the cheap jewelry and novelty gifts the boyfriend gave me, G.E. has supplied me with some of my most favorite home appliances, which include:

1. The room air-conditioner (1930)
2. The combined washer-dryer unit (1954)
3. The toaster oven (1956)

My fundamental happiness is dependent on those three appliances. Dont' believe me? For five months out of the year, you can find me almost every evening parked in front of my AIR CONDITIONER eating Baskin Robbins’ ice cream cake in my underwear. And what do I do when I wake up in a pile of melted ice cream and soggy cake? I have to WASH and DRY my underwear. And what do I do while I wait for my underwear to dry? I eat TOAST- my second favorite food in the world!

In my previous post, I also go into detail about how my favorite television program, 30 Rock, will be devastated by this sale of the G.E. appliance unit, so don't forget that background information either.

I've decided that the best course of action is to buy the appliance unit myself when it comes up at auction. The New York Times has reported that the unit's net worth is at least $5 billion. And on that note, I would like to officially announce my new charity, the "Don't Destroy Everything in this World that Mary Ann Loves" foundation. Money raised through this effort will go to saving G.E., saving baby ducks and funding my fabulous lifestyle (i.e. my ice cream cake habit).

And finally, a cautionary note. Let us all remember what happened when another treasured piece of history went up for sale. Of course I'm speaking of the Beatles' song catalog. If I know my history, Michael Jackson bought the rights to the music and the next thing we know, John Lennon is trying to convince me to buy a pair of Nike sneakers because apparently they'll cause a fitness REVOLUTION. Did the rest of you just barf on your keyboards? I sure did. Blargh.

No comments: