I was diagnosed today as having adult attention deficit disorder. Granted, I was the one who made the diagnosis, but I have factual evidence to back this up. Please see the following blog post:
Right before 2:00 p.m. today, I posted my very first personal advertisement online. I originally had this idea this past Friday, thinking that I had some time to kill, and filling it with a social experiment of sorts would be a good way to kill it. I haven't had much to write about lately, so why not create something to write about? Hence the ad.
Advertisement (including link):
Anal bleaching dog lovers - 29 (Downtown)
Reply to: firstname.lastname@example.org
Date: 2007-03-26, 1:32PM EDT
I'm seeking someone interested in the areas of dogs and anal bleaching, but not anal bleachers who practice on their dogs.
Let me know if you'd like to meet up for a coffee!
For those of you that know me, you know this ad makes no sense on some levels, some sense on others. For one, I love dogs and have wanted to purchase a puppy for sometime. Also, I am currently single, so it would make sense to be seeking a mate. However, until about two minutes ago, I wasn't even sure what anal bleaching* was (except for what I've learned from the web comic www.nataliedee.com), and I have strong opinions about dating people that you meet via the Internet. I've done it twice, and I'll never do it again. Also, and most importantly, I'm not 29 years old. I chose the age as it would hopefully entice both the 20 and 30 something year old dudes.
In line with the adult ADD, about fifteen minutes after I posted the advertisement, I forgot about it. Really, who can keep up with fake e-mail addresses, Craig's List, as well as the job they are technically getting paid for? After woofing down a cookie and some frozen yogurt, I was back on track for triple tasking (i.e. instant messaging with friends, reading the gossip blogs, and tracking down my new web-based pet project). I checked my temporary e-mail account, and to my suprise, there were already ten responses. This is a good turn out in my opinion considering that the ad had only been online for about an hour and a half.
The respones ran the gamut. The groups can be broken down as such:
1. The dude that got the joke and simply wanted to commend me on my comic genius.
2. The dude that got the joke, but wanted to take the opportunity to ask me out. Obviously one can gauge compatibility by the topics of anal bleaching and the love of dogs.
3. The broken english dude. I can not figure out which nationality category these dudes will fall into, but I'd like to stereotype them as the sweaty Indian dudes I used to see out on the weekends when I was living in Dundee, Scotland. Picture strategically placed gold chains, as to not matt down the chest hair artistically crafted to poke out of the top of the opening of a buttoned down shirt. Now everyone knows I have a big crush on Kumar from Harold nad Kumar Go to White Castle, so don't call me a racist. I just know what I'm talking about when it comes to greasy ethnic dudes.
4. The dudes that tried to be funny, but instead completely creeped me out. There was one response in particular that involved me having sex with this man's dog. I got the impression that he was trying to be outwit me, but I'm sorry my friend, you are just a pervert.
5. The guy that was so lazy he simply wrote "sure, lets meet."
6. The guy that was too lazy to look up anal bleaching, but lame enough to actually use the abbreviation "lol". Buddy, I can tell you right now we wouldn't work...
Here are some of the full responses:
"Hi - I am 36 years old. My traditions and family are still important to me. There
are still many twist you will find out about me. Physically, I am 6' 2" , Brown hair ,hazel eyes and in very good shape. Live/ work in Wall Street area
Women are pleased with my company because I am true gentleman. I am
established in life but there are many goals that I am after. Last minute travel is
one of my loves. Having someone special to travel with would be a great
experience. The water and water sports are part of my life. Yes, do you love to
laugh because humor is important to me. Maybe we laugh together. Are you as
adventurous as I hope to find, Lets chat. And see where this can go. Take Care"
"You're too funny! As I browsing through, I came across your ad and I just had to take a chance. I'm cute, respectful, and a gentleman believe it or not. I'm 26 with brown hair and stellar hazel eyes. I work in midtown live on the ..:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" />Upper East Side. I'm funny, playful, and have more personality than the other 150 guys that responded to you so give me a shot and drop me a line. So please get back to me if you wish and let's just see what this crazy website might bring us"
"sure lets meet"
"I'd meet only if you were attractive and agreed to allow me to give you a bleach enema. In the end, the strongest arm manages to bend the bow."
"What the hell is anal bleaching?!. Lol..."
"hi sweety email me"
In the end, I feel like my opinions of online dating have remained the same (i.e. Not for me). I've also learned another important lesson. Under the hidden darkness of the Internet, men are fucking scary as hell. "Bleach enema"? That's not even funny. And for some reason, I read all these e-mails in an extremely effiminate voice, which in my brain means all dudes in New York are closeted gays. God I'm good at analyzing.
Keep checking back for further e-mail postage. And the extra creepy ones will include the e-mail addresses of the weirdos so you can look them up on MySpace! I've already done some investigating, and I can't say I would even eat a cheeseburger with the likes of these suitors. And in the end, I feel as if I have the ultimate laugh, as I now have a personal record of guys I know read personal ads in my area. I can only hope that I will one day interview these men for jobs, etc, and will recall the e-mail address posted on their resume. Picture the scene:
"So, you have excellent credentials, but I've got one last question. Have you anal bleached recently?"
* Wikipedia has shared the following definition of anal bleaching:
Anal bleaching is the practice of bleaching the darker pigmentation of the skin around the anus. It is used for cosmetic purposes. A cream is used containing around 2% hydroquinone (a suspected carcinogen banned by several countries including France and the UK)as an active ingredient.