Thursday, January 31, 2008

Portrait of the New York City Subway System: A Snapshot in Time (originally posted April 28, 2006)

Friday, April 28th, 2006
8:24 a.m.
Typical New York City Spring morning: sunny, but breezy

New York City
Lower East Side (Essex and Delancey)
F Train Subway Station
Stairwell of the Uptown (Queens Bound) Platform

Mary Ann: Typical 24 year old Lower East Side resident; Self-described pseudo-hipster; long brown hair, brown eyes; dressed for work wearing pin striped pants, fitted cashmere sweater, jean jacket with a black zip up hoodie (typical Lower East Side scenester gear); also wearing oversized sunglasses and carrying oversized purse; iPod in pocket.
Hispanic Lady: Mid-thirties; short black hair; carrying Key Food grocery bag; wearing jeans, Reeboks, and a GAP sweatshirt.
Chinese Lady: Somewhere between the ages of 85 and 152; carrying small handbag and Chinese newspaper; wearing grey pants, purple jacket with green shirt underneath; grey hair; very wrinkly.
Japanese Mother: Late twenties; black pants; expensive high heeled shoes; jean jacket; stylish; knockoff Louis Vuitton purse (most likely bought off of Canal and Mulberry); accompanying two little boys.
2 Japanase boys: Between the ages of 4 and 6 years old; obviously on way to school; short, dark, hair; both wearing jeans, Nikes, and both are carrying matching Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle backpacks; mother is accompanying them.

And now to the action...

As Mary Ann fumbled with her iPod while searching for the pocket she kept her Metro Card in, while at the same time attempting to jog down a flight of stairs to catch the approaching F train, something caught her eye.

Everyone on the stairwell had stopped.

There on the fourth step from the bottom, lay a thong. A bright red thong. And this was no ordinary abandoned bright red thong.

This thong was covered in human shit, most likely diarrhea.

All six of the commuters stared blankly. Were they actually seeing this disgusting, poop encrusted discared undergarment?

Yes. Yes they were.

The Japanese mother scurried her two boys away, along with the 1,000 year old Chinese woman, all four of them most likely wondering why the hell they ever immigrated to this god forsaken country known as the United States.

Mary Ann and the Hispanic woman looked on at the disgusting spectacle before them. Then, ever so slowly, the Hispanic woman looked at Mary Ann and said, "Fucking city. I'm moving to Brooklyn where them fuckers are civilized."

And then Mary Ann realized how proud she was to be a New Yorker, to live in a city where people feel free enough to crap themselves on public transportation systems, then disgard their shitty underwear in a public forum. How liberated these people must feel as they walk up the stairwell and onto to Delancey and Essex Street, wet poop drying on their butt crack.

New York Motherfucking City.

P.S. I'd like to dedicate this thread to tubgirl, where ever you are, whatever you're doing (most liking snorting cocaine and crapping yourself), this one is for you.

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